(no subject)

Heh. My clothes-dryer rant from last night just made me think of this crazy family story. My Aunt Betty was a real eccentric sort. She once threw a bucket of ice water on my uncle because he was sleeping in the nude again. Anyway, one time she had bought a bunch of bananas to make pudding with. Bananas were, I think, something of a special treat in rural Mississippi in those days, and Aunt Betty knew that she couldn't leave them just sitting out, because all the kids would scarf 'em down before she could make the pudding. So she did what any sane housewife would--she hid them in the dryer. And, being somewhat absent-minded, she forgot about having put the bananas there when she did her next laundry load. And yes, she threw a bunch of clothes in the dryer and ran a full cycle. So of course she ended up with a stringy, mushy mess. The best thing about the story is the way she told it; each time she related the tale, it was as though she was re-living the experience, complete with gaping looks of horror and howls of "OHHHH NOOOOO!" She was a character, that one.

Heh. That reminds me of the Jerry Clower story in which he and Marcel Ledbetter are taking a trip on the train. Jerry's mother has sent bananas with them to have with their lunch. They've never had bananas before, so they're quite excited to partake of this strange, foreign fruit. After a couple of hours on the train, Marcel decides he's going to eat his banana. Just as he takes his first bite, the train enters a tunnel. "Jerry!" Marcel screams. "JERRY! Have you et yo bananner yet?" No, says Jerry. "Well, DON'T!!! I took one bite of mine and went STONE BLIND!"

All you cool pierced folks can just let your holes grow over. These suckers got you beat, yo.

PHUKET, Thailand -- A devotee to the Chinese Shrine of Jui Tui in Phuket, Thailand, has his face pierced by a bicycle and helped by others as he takes part in the annual Vegetarian Festival. Ritual Vegetarianism in Phuket traces it roots back to the early 1800's. The festival begins on the first evening of the ninth lunar month and lasts for nine days. Participants in the festival perform acts of body piercing as a means of shifting evil spirits from individuals onto themselves.

From the same festival:


Huh huh huh, "Phuket."

I am a wealth of useful knowledge, no?

(no subject)

[Poll #399706]

(no subject)

Do I know anyone in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, who would be sending me a UPS package? I had a delivery-attempt notice when I was home for lunch, and I haven't the foggiest idea what it might be. I don't think I've ordered anything lately that hasn't shown up yet. Oh well, I guess I'll find out tomorrow. I'll bet one of you jokers ordered me a buttplug or something, didn't you? All the buttplug factories are in South Dakota, you know.

(no subject)

Do we have any MS Word gurus out there? I'm trying to figure out if there's a way to list all the fonts that a particular document uses. I have a whole shitload of files that I know have Greek and Hebrew fonts in them, but I'm not sure if there are any other wacky fonts without basically reading the whole book. Actually, if anyone knows how to do that in WordPerfect, that would be the most help, as my issue is that I was having trouble converting the documents from WordPerfect to Word because not all the Greek and Hebrew was making it through the conversion. So it'd be good to know what fonts were used in the original WP files, though the same would probably be helpful in Word.

Got all that? Yeah, me neither. But youse guys is a wise bunch, so it's worth a shot.

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People are absolutely crazy. Absolutely out of their gourds.

Dude just called up wanting to talk to me about Library of Congress and ISBN information for some book that he's publishing with some Yale outfiit that's not affiliated with us. He said, "Yes, I'm friends with . . . someone you work with . . . Nancy something. Oh yeah, Nancy M. I'm friends with her and some lawyer you got--oh Jesus, what the hell's her name . . ." Um, Linda K.? "Yeah, that's her. We're friends." Then he went into this explanation of the book. I told him, well, the best information I can give you is the URL of the LOC's Web site, which has all the info you need. He was like, "Great! Now when can I come over and meet with you about this? Is tomorrow OK? Hey, Debra, I've got Chris Heller on the phone about this ISBN stuff, when's good for you?" DUDE. I ain't tryin' to have a meeting with your rude ass. Now write this URL down and get the hell off the phone, crackhead.