(no subject)

[wickedflea]

I never know what sort of closing to use when I'm sending work-related emails. "Best" seems to be quite popular, and in fact I've used it from time to time, but it makes me uncomfortable because I don't know what the hell it means. Is it short for "best wishes"? That seems like the kind of thing you say to someone who's graduating or getting married, no? And then there's "all best." I don't get that either. All best what?! Some people simply say "yours." I admire the succinctness, but it seems a bit abrupt, like "I can't figure out how to end this thing, so . . . here. It's yours. Deal with it." "Cordially" makes me want to barf, and "sincerely" is just utter bullshit. If you have to say "sincerely," chances are that you're not sincere in the least.

I think I'm going to start saying "all my nuts." Like so:

Dear Frederick,

I need to speak with you at your earliest convenience regarding the Snuckfliffer book. Could you let me know when you're free? Thanks very much.

all my nuts,
Beauregard T. Swank
Minister of Insecurity

That makes about as much sense as anything.

Comments

[electrcspacegrl.livejournal.com]

i dare you!

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Hehehe -- I really should do it. If anyone gives me any static, I'll just say, "Have you even READ Emily Post's Etiquette? I didn't think so."

[alm35.livejournal.com]

Almost against my will, I've picked up "Best" as my default professional closer. But I think I'm going to change it to "All my nuts."

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Do it! We can only effect important change if we're willing to look ridiculous. :)

[goatsupreme.livejournal.com]

Everyone at my work seems to put "regards"...I think it sounds kinda silly. Or maybe it's because if you read it in french it says "I'm watching you"....so it's a little big brother...and seeing as I send about 1 work-related email per 1000....I am a touch paro.

So what do the chicks write??

Sincerely yours with all my best ovaries,
Elaine

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Good point -- I should have made it gender-neutral. Perhaps "with my fondest gonads"?

Re:

[goatsupreme.livejournal.com]

I like that one. I bet that would go over well.

All my bile,
Elaine

[trivial-things.livejournal.com]

I use "Thanks" or if "Thanks" is inappropriate I use "all my nuts" in an infinitesimally small font size.

[trivial-things.livejournal.com]

I'd also like to mention that you have the same ability with me that Beavis and Butthead did back in high school. You seem to come up with the shit I've always been thinking but that I didn't know I was thinking it.

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I think all those years of wearing out George Carlin tapes had something to do with it.

[carocrow.livejournal.com]

I used to write "Bless You" (as in, bless your little pea picking heart). But I got remarks. So I started writing "Be Happy". It is amazing how surly people can be when you demand happiness from them.

Now I don't work so I don't have that problem.

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, I might have to give that some thought --it could be deliciously passive-aggressive:

Dear Fosdick,

Where's that copy you were supposed to return to me a week ago? I'll come beat it out of you if I have to.

Be happy,
Chris

[trivial-things.livejournal.com]

Now that you've mentioned it, I'm trying to think up the perfect one. I would define the perfect closing as the one that will serve any purpose with the fewest words. Maybe the problem all along has been that we've been stuck on one or two words. Why not five?

Something like

This is the end

seems appropriate but suggests some sort of armageddon. Any more ideas are welcome.

All my nuts
stoopideinstein

[trivial-things.livejournal.com]

I've got it!

Dear Frederick,

I need to speak with you at your earliest convenience regarding the Snuckfliffer book. Could you let me know when you're free? Thanks very much.

Professionally,
Beauregard T. Swank
Minister of Insecurity

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's good -- the recipient could take it several different ways, but in no instance could you be regarded as anything but . . . professional. If we started using that, I'll bet you anything it would spread like crazy. It would be like Mr. Pitt eating the Snickers bar with a fork on Seinfeld.

[buscemi.livejournal.com]

Cordially reminds me of those horrible chocolate cherries. I've always hated those things.

Some suggested closers:

Adee do
Ambiguously yours
With indecision and tripe

If you have to say "sincerely," chances are that you're not sincere in the least.

>>Ha. I've been trying to put that into words for years. I've been tempted to sign emails "with malice aforethought".

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Good suggestions all! And that's probably the very reason why "cordially" makes me want to barf -- I hate those things too.

[trivial-things.livejournal.com]

My wife's family ends letters this way:
Love and [the last thing you ate]

For example:

Love and Pepperoni Pizza,

Mandy


Obviously, there is no love in the office, so it could be shortened to just be the last thing you ate. That way you have a closing that is unique, ambigous, noncomittal, and informative all at the same time.

[arathreel.livejournal.com]

Quite interesting. I think I would be entertained at recieving a work e-mail as such. Thanks for making me smile.

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

You're welcome! We could certainly do worse than to inject a little humor into the workplace. :)

Re:

[arathreel.livejournal.com]

Certainly, we could. *grins*

[lunchboxface.livejournal.com]

Back when I actually had a job, I never wrote anything. I just put a dash, and my name. If I was asking for something, I put "thanks". Of course, I was also fired, so maybe I need to rethink my succinctity.

[dj-daeva.livejournal.com]

lol

i always put "best regards" if it's someone i don't know very well and "warm regards" if it's someone i have a rapport with :o)

although "all my nuts" is a close second :oP

<3