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Then there was LD. LD was a crazy guy who went to our school. I don't know if those were his real initials or if he just picked them up from being in special-ed classes. I probably shouldn't be talking about him, but he wasn't like most of the other special-ed kids. He didn't seem to be mentally retarded; he was just fucking crazy. So, being crazy, he naturally hung out with us at lunch. We used to like to stand around in front of the school and watch LD whizz rocks at the cars passing on Yellowjacket Drive. Now, I've been known to throw rocks at cars myself (back when I was in the fifth grade and on crack), but I would always hide in the bushes like a sane vandal. This guy, however, would stand right there by the street and hurl rocks at those poor bastards and not give a DAMN. And I don't recall anyone ever stopping. One look at my man was probably enough to scare them off. LD was fearless. One time I was standing in the principal's office with LD (for what reason I have no idea) and Mrs. Fleming came from behind the counter. Mrs. Fleming was sort of . . . how you say . . . big, so naturally LD screamed, "You better move back, SHE"S BIG!!!"
My favorite LD story involves Fool, of course. Fool had this habit of stealing ice-cream bars from the cafeteria. Fool was very proud of himself, though the deed didn't involve much stealth. Basically all you had to do was reach into the freezer, palm a sandwich, and nonchalantly walk out. If anyone asked him if he'd paid, all he would have had to say was that he had paid for it earlier and was coming back to pick it up because he hadn't wanted it to melt while he was eating his shepherd's pie. Kelly and I, on the other hand, often stole our whole lunches. We'd get our trays and walk right past the lunchroom lady named Man. ANYWAY, so Fool always stole these ice-cream bars. One day several of us told LD about what Fool had been up to and convinced him that this made the price of lunch go up for the rest of us. So later that day LD sidled up to Fool and said in his really strange, sort of Fozzie-Bearesque voice, "You been stealin' ice-cream bars, man?" And Fool replied with his pie face and his High-Tide-Mickey voice, " . . . what?!"
So naturally LD bitch-slapped Fool right upside the head. This probably doesn't sound very funny to you, but it was hilarious to our sixteen-year-old asses. You just have to understand Fool's . . . foolishness, and the fact that this kind of stuff always happened to him. And the fact that he couldn't retaliate because 1) he'd have got his ass beat; 2) he'd have been busted for stealing frozen treats; and 3) you can't hit a special-ed kid, even if you're justified.
My favorite LD story involves Fool, of course. Fool had this habit of stealing ice-cream bars from the cafeteria. Fool was very proud of himself, though the deed didn't involve much stealth. Basically all you had to do was reach into the freezer, palm a sandwich, and nonchalantly walk out. If anyone asked him if he'd paid, all he would have had to say was that he had paid for it earlier and was coming back to pick it up because he hadn't wanted it to melt while he was eating his shepherd's pie. Kelly and I, on the other hand, often stole our whole lunches. We'd get our trays and walk right past the lunchroom lady named Man. ANYWAY, so Fool always stole these ice-cream bars. One day several of us told LD about what Fool had been up to and convinced him that this made the price of lunch go up for the rest of us. So later that day LD sidled up to Fool and said in his really strange, sort of Fozzie-Bearesque voice, "You been stealin' ice-cream bars, man?" And Fool replied with his pie face and his High-Tide-Mickey voice, " . . . what?!"
So naturally LD bitch-slapped Fool right upside the head. This probably doesn't sound very funny to you, but it was hilarious to our sixteen-year-old asses. You just have to understand Fool's . . . foolishness, and the fact that this kind of stuff always happened to him. And the fact that he couldn't retaliate because 1) he'd have got his ass beat; 2) he'd have been busted for stealing frozen treats; and 3) you can't hit a special-ed kid, even if you're justified.
