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And then there was the time that my friend Wes and his little brother Andy were at the park. Wes was maybe 12 and Andy probably 8 or so. They saw this girl named Shelley from school. I think she was a year younger than Wes and I. Anyway, Shelley was playing chicken on the monkey bars--that game where two people hang from the monkey bars and use their legs to try to pull each other down. So in the process of trying to pull her down, Shelley's opponent got her in some kind of ninja death grip and ended up pulling down her pants AND underwear--which prompted Andy to say: "Wes, LOOK! That girl has TWO BUTTS!"

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Last night I dreamed that I went to see Neil Young and Crazy Horse in a cheap-ass barn/coliseum at the Columbus, MS, fairgrounds. And the really weird part is that KISS was also playing on a separate stage in the same building. At the same time. Neil was performing Greendale while KISS was exploding helicopters with their laser guitars. Uh huh.

This gray hair can just quit it any time now.

Wanda from Crank Yankers keeps calling me about proofreading. I'm pretty sure it's her--the voice is the same. She called a couple of weeks ago and it was one of those deals where I answer the phone and she's immediately yelling, "Hello? HELLO?" Like, yeah, what the fuck do you want??? You called me! Once we'd exchanged hellos about eight times and I was about ready to jump through the phone and choke the shit out of her, she finally explained that she was looking for Florence (who the fuck Florence is, I have no idea) and she was interested in proofreading--then repeated herself: "PROOF READING. HELLO?!?" I couldn't deal. I transferred her to Mary and got a huge kick out of watching her squirm as she tried to deal tactfully with Wanda. She told her to submit a resume and cover letter and she'd look over it and be back in touch if she decided that she'd like to test her.

The woman's called back eight times already and the resume hasn't even gotten here yet. The second time, Mary answered the phone and Wanda said, "Hey, it's me." Like WTF OMG yo. And it's gotten to the point where I know it's Wanda calling before I even pick up the phone. Mary's away from her desk, her phone rings four times and kicks over to voice mail, and my phone immediately starts ringing. And she always asks me, "Did Mary get my resume yet???" I always sit there for half a second trying to figure out a good way to tell her that I don't have the foggiest fucking hint of a notion what mail Mary's received, and she always jumps right on me: "HELLO?!?"

It was kinda fun the other day when Wanda called and I knew it was her right off the bat. She asked, "Hey, how you doin'?" and I gave her a spot-on Sol Rosenberg, "Fantastic, then!"

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My homegirl dorkontheloose had her way with me today. ( looky, a pitcher! )