if you kill my dog, I'mma slay your cat

I say "buttfuckass" quite often when I'm driving. I have no idea where that even came from.

I love Yale's page where you can see whether the university is closed because of weather. We could be having a typhoon and that page would still read, "The current weather status is normal." This place never shuts down.

On the bus in this morning, I was listening to Public Enemy and thinking about HUHs. You know, HUHs. Those grunt noises some singers make at strategic points in songs, like in a pause in a riff. Listen to 2:16-2:21 of this Testament tune and you'll get what I mean. We used to listen to that part over and over again, screaming, "Goddamn, that was a great HUH!" That Chuck Billy sure can do some HUHs. Axl Rose actually did some excellent HUHs back in the Appetite days, before he went to Mars. Who else does good HUHs?

Axl Rose is an anagram of Oral Sex. That's one observation I wish I hadn't made.

That "lotion on its skin" song is still killing me.

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Coulter: "Press passes can't be that hard to come by if the White House allows that old Arab Helen Thomas to sit within yards of the president."

She's such a prick.

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I will be GOD DAMNED if I didn't just pass a dude on the sidewalk who looked probably 55, sorta eastern European, bald, mustache, with a vest full of flair. And the one button I was able to make out was a CHER button. Like '70s-ass Cher, with a big yellow Cher logo and a gang of Cher hair. I actually stopped mid-stride and took a second to consider what to do. I didn't have my camera, but I considered turning around and going right up to him to check out all his flair. But I wussed out; he didn't seem a very happy sort, aside from all the whimsical vestwear.

It has just occurred to me that no one has offered me food stamps to have sex with them in about fifteen years.

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My mom sent me some bedsheets because she's cool like that. And I think I'll really dig them if I can make them work on the bed. But there are two flat sheets (one bigger than the other) and no fitted sheet! How do you make a bed with no fitted sheet? Is there some sort of medieval style of bedmaking that I never learned? You folks are smart people. Tell me how to do it. And I want a method that's gonna ensure that the sucker stays in place, because I do a lot of moving around in bed.