(no subject)

[wickedflea]

The van deal may not happen after all. It seems that my parking-lot tomfoolery has become known.

From: Kate
To: All Yale Press Depts
Subject: Our Hero

To the dozens of you who were on the verge of volunteering this announcement will come as a great disappointment. Christopher Heller has enthusiastically agreed to drive the YUP van to the picnic. So please put aside any regret you man have over losing the coveted title of YUP Picnic Van Driver and give our HERO a hearty thank-you and wish him well as he hits the open road the morning of June 27.

THANK YOU CHRIS!!!!
The YUP Picnic Committee

From: Dan
To: Chris; Kate
Subject: RE: Our Hero

gee, I didn't realize paroled felons could get a driver's license in CT.
Well, it's not as if they were *vehicular* homicides . . .

From: Chris
To: Dan; Kate; Lauren
Subject: RE: Our Hero

I've never actually mowed down any people, only livestock. And they had it coming.

(Lauren, please don't tell them about our little skirmish in the parking lot. I wouldn't want it to get back to my probation officer, and neither would you.)

From: Lauren
To: Chris; Kate; Dan
Subject: RE: Our Hero

i will broadcast it to the world:

CHRIS ALMOST HIT ME AS HE WAS SPEEDING OUT OF THE YUP PARKING LOT

From: Chris
To: Dan; Kate; Lauren
Subject: RE: Our Hero

Dammit! I merely stepped on the clutch and harmlessly revved the engine a coupla times to coax Lauren into getting out of my way. She was wantonly sashaying down the sidewalk and impeding my progress, you see. And she had the nerve to turn and look at me as if I were some sort of madman. I swear, some people . . .

I should have known this mission would get ugly. It'll all end in tears, I know it . . .

From: Lauren
To: Chris; Kate; Dan
Subject: RE: Our Hero

Has Chris told you about the hundreds of innocent animals he has turned into roadkill and shows no remorse about? Apparently they were also "wantonly sashaying" through the road when Chris wanted to get by - but that didn't stop him! Chris is dangerous. I wouldn't put it past him to take off in the van with all the YUP goodies and head for the border.

Kate, is there some sort of screening process for this job? I would suggest a background check in this instance.

From: Kate
To: Chris; Dan; Lauren
Subject: RE: Our Hero

I think we all need to take a breather here and look at the bigger picture. Granted, Chris may be a bit of a threat to other drivers and small mammals, but this may be an opportunity for him to change his ways. If we could all close our eyes for a moment, take a deep breath, and envision Chris driving the YUP van down the highway with his head out the window--much like your beloved Golden Retriever from childhood--breathing in the fresh air of the early, early, early morn I think we can all see how much joy this experience will bring him. And maybe because of this, he'll rethink his road rage against harmless animals and pedestrians (though I have to say, Lauren is capable of one heck of a sashay).

PS Despite what you may have been lead to believe, he was one of only a few volunteers (he was up against Leo* and some blind woman).

* Leo is my boss' six-year-old.

Comments

[buscemi.livejournal.com]

Wantonly sashaying! Ha! That's classic.

Re:

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Thanks--I actually sat here for a couple of minute going through different possibilities before I hit on exactly the right term. "Brazenly ambling? No . . . Leisurely lolligagging? No . . ."