(no subject)

[wickedflea]

I used to work with a kid named Flanda. Flanda was a pretty good-looking guy, I guess (as guys go), and he was pretty impressed with himself. He'd tell me: "The girls mostly say I look like Big Daddy Kane. But if they don't say I look like Kane, they say I look like Snipes." One night we were working the front register together, and after we'd dealt with a bunch of customers who were generally making asses of themselves, he expressed his disdain for country black people. I said, "What, have you gotten into it with them before?" Flanda replied: "No, I just don't like them, so I stay outta their way. Them country black people can throw cows."

"Exsqueeze me? Baking powder?"

"Throwin' cows. Those folks can throw cows."

"Um . . . whaddya mean?"

"COWS. You'll see 'em out in the pasture THROWIN' COWS."

"What, like little newborn calves or something?!"

"HELL no, COWS! They be THROWIN' COWS!"

The more I stated my disbelief, the angrier Flanda got. Pretty soon, he was yelling in this big, bassy voice, "THEY WAS THROWIN' COWS! No, no, THEY WAS THROWIN' COWS."

So I had no choice but to take him at his word. The idea of throwing cows became a frequent source of humor around the ol' BK. We were talking about it for months. Lots of times, we'd take massive hits of helium off the balloon tank, wail, "THEY WAS THROWIN' COWS!" and collapse in a heap of laughter and lightheadedness.

So one night, another group of rowdies came in, and they were TORE DOWN. They were falling all over each other and making all sorts of noise. When they came around to the counter where customers picked up their food, one of them spilled a whole bunch of small change all over the counter, then went over to an area where we had a lot of stools around this bar kind of thing. (It was a strange BK--it was a log cabin originally built to be a bank. Don't ask.) So as that guy was stumbling over toward the barstools, a little sawed-off sort came to the counter. He said, "Hey, man, what's all these cents for?"

"Ermmm, I dunno," I said. "Maybe you should ask your friend."

The guy at the counter turned a bit and said, "Hey, Napoleon--" Right then, the dude who'd spilled all the change on the counter fell ASS OVER TEAKETTLE off one of the barstools and probably nearly cracked his skull.

"Goddamn!" I said to the sawed-off chap. "You guys look a little tired. What, have y'all been throwin' some cows tonight?

Dude stopped me with a glare. "Cows? No, no, we ain't been throwin' no cows. We ain't been THROWIN' no COWS." Then his voice got all high and whiny as he yelled, "Napoleon, NAPOLEON! They said we was THROWIN' COWS!"

At that point I retreated into the office to let Flanda deal with them.

So yeah, that's the story behind the "throwing cows" in my LJ interests. Throwing cows was also the idea behind my call to the MSU basketball coach's call-in show in which I made shocking accusations about the reasons behind the team's unexpected success that year. Strangely, he and the host seemed as befuddled as I'd been when I first heard about people throwing cows.

disclaimer: I am not embellishing or making up any details to advance any agenda against country black people, the persons who hate them, or throwers of cows. I'm merely telling a true story. THESE ARE FACTS.

Comments

[buscemi.livejournal.com]

Google was no help, although "throwin' cows" pulls up several references to Dr. Octagon.

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Hehe! I hadn't seen that, but I did find out a while back that apparently Monty Python talked about throwing cows in some routine they did.

[lulu-girl.livejournal.com]

throwin' cows.
hmm.

maybe it's a euphemism (sp?) for throwing a tissy fit. like, 'don't have a cow!' meaning that they 'throw a cow' and then beat the shit out of you. haha! i have no idea. i should. i grew up with plenty of people who probably threw cows in one way or another. : )

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Haha! I tried every way I knew to see if Flanda was talking about something else, but that sucker was dead serious! I should do a journalistic expose the next time I go home. I'll give a voice to these poor cows who are being madly tossed across Mississippi field. In next month's Mother Jones: "Mooing Foul: Cattle Speak Out Against Bovine Abuse in America's Heartland."

[madetoshine.livejournal.com]

Your stories never cease to amaze and delight me. :D

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Why thank ya, ma'am. :)

[theodicy.livejournal.com]

MEMOIR.

MEMOIR.

MEMfuckinOIR.

Y'hear me, boy?

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Yes, ma'am!

[carocrow.livejournal.com]

Shyte. Tipping, I've heard of. But *throwing*? Betcha ol' Bessie wouldn't give milk for a month after that!

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Pffft. Tipping is for pussy midwesterners. We roll hardcore in the MS. Or at least some people do.

[carocrow.livejournal.com]

I am wondering if he means throwing like a wrestling move, or throwing like a rodeo guy throws a cow down (grabs by the head and throws it down).

But either way, that is having nothing to do, going out in the field and wrangling cows.

Did you check out that new "Mississippi Hippie" community I pointed you to? :-p

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Hrmmm--I think he was talking more like wrestling. He kept making these heaving motions from his upper chest.

Man, that sounds weird.

Anyway, yep, I did check out that community. But I don't think I can join--I am forbidden by law to engage in anything that resembles scenedom. :) And besides, when I think of Mississippi hippies, I think of the kids from the environmentalist club at by college. A bunch of them got together one night and let a bunch of pigs loose at some guy's farm. (Whether they just wanted the pigs to be free, or if they were protesting the stench, I can't remember.) Anyway, what do you think happened? Yep, the pigs freaked out and trampled each other to death.

[carocrow.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm perpetually amused by LJ because people use terms like "hippie" and they are no more hippies than a frog needs wings to keep his ass from hitting the ground. I think we're the only people in there over 30, and Mani is technically the only person who could judiciously be called a hippie, because he was, sort of, being a Marine who wore a peace sign and mirrored sunglasses during 'Nam.

I just keep wondering what kind of hippie shit they think they're going to be getting up to. Are they thinking raves are hippie? I don't think any of them have been to a love in, a sit in, or have worn a headband.

I could scare them by posting some old pictures from the 70s and tell them Mani was a Weatherman.

[starflow.livejournal.com]

This fuckin' rocks. I'm headin' home soon. We gonna throw some motherfuckin' cows around and I'm gonna drive real fast after that. 'Cause there's nothin' like driving fast on a southern back road.

Why don't we talk more, anyway?!

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Rock on! Yeah, we should talk more. :) I so miss Southern backroads--driving 70 on a 40 mph road that you know like the back of your hand, beer between your legs (if you're a real renegade), stereo on full . . .

[alicdeni83.livejournal.com]

Your ljs make me cry, but in a good way.

Have you ever considering writing up all these funny little things into some sort of book? I'd buy it.

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the shout-out. :)

Yeah, I think about it quite often, but at this point it's mostly thinking and very little writing. I have started going through LJ entries to find stuff that I could include or flesh out. Mostly I'm hung up on the form--I don't know how good a lengthy narrative I could make, yet I'm not sure how well the stories would work all thrown together as individual pieces. I know that the most important thing is to get them all on paper, and then I can figure out how to arrange and/or merge them. Strangely, though, I tend to write straight through--I start off with some sort of idea, slowly write my way through it, and arrive at a conclusion. I don't do much (read: hardly any) editing. But yeah, the thing is just to do it.

[theimitation.livejournal.com]

You could write it like Umberto Eco's How to Travel With a Salmon & Other Essays (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0151001367/104-8637876-3014324) as a series of short essays.

That is a great story, though. I bet he was referring to tipping. If you tip a cow that is at the top of a hill, it could look like you threw it down the hill.

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Yeah, I've thought about essays. That way, if I had persistent themes that I wanted to touch on in different stories, I could do it, but I wouldn't have to actually come up with a beginning, middle, and end to tie everything together.

[theimitation.livejournal.com]

Or a foreword and an afterword to illustrate the ties.

[steprous.livejournal.com]

good one, I wish I knew how one throws cows, maybe he meant cow tipping?

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I thought about cow tipping too, but he kept making this upward heaving motion as he was talking, and I may have even asked him if he was talking about tipping. It's still a mystery to me. =)

[theodicy.livejournal.com]

Sure thang, Mistuh Snopes. I believe, I surely do.

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

I'll bet even Snopes ain't onto this yet. It's much too underground.

[ex-thebellja885.livejournal.com]

*cough* animals
TRUE STORY!

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Only you would read this heart-rending story of throwing cows and play the beast card. Yer obsessed. :P

[dob.livejournal.com]

there's a Chinese legend that is sometimes said about Wong Fei Hung, where as a young man one gets a calf and holds it while jumping over a sapling. As you can imagine the calf grows into a cow and the sapling a tree and the man is very strong at this point.

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

We should start using this method on our young basketball players too.