(no subject)

[wickedflea]

Didn't get a chance to respond to quite everyone, but thanks so much for all the comments about me and Keith yesterday. It means a lot. It's been tough dealing with that over the years. For a long time I felt guilty because I didn't understand what it meant when he died. I just wasn't that sad when he died. And intellectually I've known for a long time that I couldn't help that--how can a 5-year-old comprehend death? But it was only six or seven years ago that I really accepted that and forgave myself. And since then I've had moments when I got sad about the whole thing, but it was only yesterday that I really sat down and grieved for Keith. I wish so much that we'd gotten to grow up together. I wish that he'd had the chance to become . . . whatever he would have become, you know? And I wish he were here to do all of this with. Life, that is. So, while yesterday didn't feel good, I know it was good. For once I wasn't crying primarily for my parents' loss, but for me and for Keith.

Comments

[jetgirl23.livejournal.com]

{{{{{{{{{wickedflea}}}}}}}}}}}

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

and back atcha. :)

[jetgirl23.livejournal.com]

I'm sad that you didn't get to know your brother as an older kid and then a grown up. I wonder if it saved you any other amount of grief though? I'm glad I knew my brother, but it has been so hard. I don't think it could be any better to have not known him. I'm willing to bet the grief is quite equal. Losing someone is so hard, no matter when it happens. Glad you are sharing this on the LJ though. Helps me in a weird way.

Re:

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Thanks for that perspective--that helps me too. It's easy for me to sit here and think that everything would have been rosy if he'd lived, but the truth is that I don't know. It's tough either way, for sure.

[notmyworld.livejournal.com]

I lost a sibling, and while it's nowhere near the same experience as your's I'm sure (everyone goes through things differently), I can say that I understand completely what you mean about comprehending death and wishing you'd been able to do stuff together that you aren't able to.

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Right. Sorry about yours too, bud.

[saintclaire.livejournal.com]

Chris, its so important that you grieved for yourself and I'm so glad you did. Not to sound "new age" or whatever, but my true belief is that Keith is watching you, maybe even guiding you in your life. I lost my grandfather at 9 and went off the deep end because he was the person who I was the closest to in my life. I grieved just recently for him and ... well, I feel alot better. But at 35 years old, I still can break down just thinking about not JUST him, but thinking of everything in my life that he has missed, my graduation, my daughter..bla bla.. but grieving is good. it puts you at peace, hopefully. Call me if you ever want to talk XOXO

Lisa

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Thanks for that, Lisa. :) Have been meaning to call you, and will do soon. Same number you gave me before?

[saintclaire.livejournal.com]

Yea yea... likely story...haha

same number, Just want to let you know that I am a pretty good listener and available to you whenever you want to talk.

or whenever. :)

[cierrablue.livejournal.com]

The heart is a complicated vesel.

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Indeed--amazingly so.

[buscemi.livejournal.com]

I wish I had some kind of helpful advice.

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Thanks much. It's OK, though, really it is. :)

[bunkum.livejournal.com]

Didn't have a chance to reply to that particular entry, but nonetheless I'm so amazed of how well you've been able to take your loss. It seems like you're a better person for it, even though there is pain.

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Thanks--much appreciated. :)

yep.

[likedisaster.livejournal.com]

Y'know, your post is the major reason that I give short shrift to the whole "stages of grief" thingy, because grief has every possible emotion all wadded up in it, and they can take years to surface. Or you can go through each stage years later, in one day. Or you can cycle through all the stages in a week and start over again from the beginning the following week, or month, or year.

I think he would have been kind and witty and handsome, and sometimes a charming pain in the ass. ;)