(no subject)

[wickedflea]

to: ask.quality@rwater.com
from: Chris
subject: feculence from my pipes

Hello,

This is what's coming from my pipes this week. This is plain tap water, not tea or coffee.

http://chrisheller.net/brownwater.jpg
http://chrisheller.net/nastytubwater.jpg
(pictures inserted inline so they'd have to look at them)

This is in no way acceptable. I spoke with someone at the water authority on the phone this morning, and she said the trouble was due to the main pump's having gone out on Saturday and something about the secondary pump kicking on and off, causing mineral deposits. And she suggested that it's SAFE TO DRINK. ?!? Balderdash. If I were to try to drink that putrid mud, I'd doubtlessly choke on the sizable particles floating in it.

Furthermore, this is not the first trouble I've had with discolored water and silt at the bottom of the tub and toilet. Off and on for the last six weeks it's been happening--it'll clear up and I'll forget about it, and then it's back in a few days. Only once before, however, about a month ago, was it THIS bad, and only for a few hours. It's been like this all week. I feel like I'm living in a makeshift military encampment in the Congo. I fear that hatemongering mosquitoes of death are going to start flocking to my abode and I'll end up contracting malaria.

Please let me know that this is being addressed in some manner. My property manager said that the water authority told her it would be cleared up by 4 p.m. Monday, and it's only getting worse.

in filth,
Chris Heller

Comments

[starflow.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha! That's an excellent letter. Hopefully, you'll get a personal reply that you can post here. And if you're lucky, they'll address your fear of malaria-carrying mosquitos. I've heard that's a problem here in New England.

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

There's always this kind of danger in these backwoodsy areas. ;)

[m-fallenangel.livejournal.com]

I rarely defer writing duties, for obvious reasons, but the next time I need to fire off a bitch out to a utility, you're getting drafted, as it were.

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

I'm available for weddings and bar mitzvahs too.

[m-fallenangel.livejournal.com]

As long as no one attempts a bris, we're all good.

[mipplet.livejournal.com]

You need to send that to as many people as you can think of. I'd also send a copy to your neighborhood newspaper, if I were you.

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

I'll see what I hear from them in the morning and then maybe hit the media outlets. Perhaps I'll even stage an act of civil disobedience by running a garden hose out to the street and spraying public servants with my filth.

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Er, I probably shouldn't be so flippant about abusing public servants when I'm speaking to someone who lives with a policeman. =)

Area Man Fighting Feculent Flotsam, Sources Say

[theodicy.livejournal.com]

I raise my fist to you, Feculent Flotsam Fighting Man!

Re: Area Man Fighting Feculent Flotsam, Sources Say

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Fanks!

oh, i love you

[ozmaofoz.livejournal.com]

in filth,
Chris Heller

Re: oh, i love you

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

I knew my love of the word "filth" would score the hot chicks one day...

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I also considered "poppycock" and "hogwash" (the latter of which would have been apt considering how my water looks), but somehow I preferred the ring of "balderdash."

There's a movie waiting to be made: The Ring of Balderdash, starring Sean Connery.

[faerywren.livejournal.com]

Awesome letter! If I worked for the water authority, I'd give your case priority because your letter cracked me up. I wonder how many people in the office they had to ask before someone knew the definition of 'feculence'? ;-)

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

HAHAHA, I know! I'm just dying thinking about that letter being forwarded all over the building. "Look at THIS crazy motherfucker!"

[dj-daeva.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHHA BALDERDASH!!!!

HHAHAHAHA

that is HILARIOUS.

you are nuts.

<3

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Hehehe, glad it gave you a laugh. I was sitting here snickering my ass off when I wrote it. :)