(no subject)

[wickedflea]

Garbfruggit, I had a post mostly written, and my computer locked up and lost it.

KLURGIDDWECKIN. It just crashed AGAIN. I guess now my work computer has decided to get hosed too. Hate mail.

Do video-store clerks ever give you shit about the stuff you rent? I can’t remember having much trouble of that sort, but I had one incident in Starkville several years ago. I was in Movie Gallery to rent the Gary Oldman film about playwright Joe Orton. When I got to the counter, the clerk took one look at the box, and blurted out, "PRICK Up Your Ears?!?" I started to explain--I guess it's a British saying, means "listen up," blah blah blah--but I ended up just sighing and saying, "Yes. Prick Up Your Ears." I wonder if she did that with all her customers. Heck, they rented pornos too--did she react that way to those titles? "ANAL Jammed? WILY FORESKIN?" What business is it of hers if I want to see a prick up somebody's ears anyway? This is America, damn you.

Speaking of filth, something about that just reminded me of something funny I heard in a porn shop a couple of years ago. (It was a one-time trip to buy incense and crack pipes, OK?) This greasy-looking manager type was in there talking with one of his employees. "Yeah, man, ya know I was doing inventory the other day, and we got like over 800 dildos! Yeah, that's pretty good, but I wanna get like at least a couple of hundred more dildos for the ladies. That way, we can put it in our ads: 'THOUSANDS OF DILDOS. FOR THE LADIES.' I want people to know that we have the most toys. You know, for the ladies."

Oh, I almost forgot. I was at a stop light on the way home yesterday, and I was watching some overgrown white kid with slicked-back hair and a Jason Kidd jersey. He was trying to act all cool with his baggy shorts and gold chains. I was kind of getting a kick out of watching him, so I happened to be looking right at him at the exact moment when some kid sneaked up behind him and smacked the DOGSHIT out of him. Punched him right in the side of his face. Did you ever notice that when you see someone get hit like that, you have to say, "Oh, SHIT!"? It's like how Eddie Murphy says you have to say "motherfucker" when you get shot. It's a natural physiological reaction. I heard at least two people on the street say it at the same time I did. "Oh, SHIT!" Anyway, the assailant took off running, and the victim just walked into his house. In a minute, though (it was a long traffic light), he came running out and asking where the guy had gone. I hope he didn't have a gun or anything.

Comments

[lulu-girl.livejournal.com]

"What business is it of hers if I want to see a prick up somebody's ears anyway? This is America, damn you."

HAHAHHA! people are their stupid, big ol' opinions. hate them!

"I heard at least two people on the street say it at the same time I did. "Oh, SHIT!" "

aieee! I hope he didn't have a gun either. Damn!

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

She was probably just made 'cuz no one would put a prick up HER ears!

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Errrr, make that "mad." :)

[lulu-girl.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHA!
yeah.
totally.

[buscemi.livejournal.com]

I don't know why, but I had the word "gorf" in my head today, which reminded me of your icon. Hee.

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Hehe! I want a Gorf machine. Even if I didn't play it much, it would be cool to leave on all the time. People would walk by my apartment, hear the computerized "Long live Gorf!" and "Hahahaha, space cadet," and they'd know to stay away from me.

[filthymonkey.livejournal.com]

I said, "Oh shit" when I read that.

[filthymonkey.livejournal.com]

Followed up by a "daaaaaaaaaaaaamn".

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Heh--I'm pretty sure I said that yesterday too! I might have even finished with a "OH NO HE DITTN'T."

[lastcallforcorn.livejournal.com]

one of my favorite porn shop moments was a female employee standing over the register nonchalantly discussing with a customer the method by which he had tried to don the cock rings he had purchased (and, evidently, had some trouble with), while she calmly chowed down on her tofu-scramble lunch. "did you try it while your penis was flacid, or erect? *chew, chew*"

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Hot damn, that rules! You gotta wonder about someone who would actually come back to complain about a cock-ring malfunction. Me, something like that doesn't work out, I'm just gonna keep it to myself.

[lastcallforcorn.livejournal.com]

heh. me, i'm not gonna eat my lunch at the toy store.

[carocrow.livejournal.com]

OMG, we must make sure everyone knows that the sex toys are *for the ladies*. :-p

Dildos scare me, but they also make me laugh. Clowns do, too. Maybe they should make a dildo shaped like a clown FOR THE LADIES.

please do not show me plastic clown dongs at this point in time

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

There was a whole separate discussion of their dozens of plastic pussies for the gents.

Dildos are definitely creepy yet funny. The fancy ones with all the stimulators and cranks and whistles kinda freak me out--do women actually USE those?!?

Good lord, look at this one. Call me crazy, but I think if I were a woman, I wouldn't want anything called a DINKY DIGGER within a mile of my business.

Re: please do not show me plastic clown dongs at this point in time

[carocrow.livejournal.com]

OK. Is that supposed to be a MOLE? So I am supposed to think it is pleasurable to shove a mole up my no no? Even if animals weren't anathema as bedroom buddies, why would you want something with giant claws going at your hoohoo?

Yes, some women have entire arsenals of toys. Have you ever watched that Sue Johansen woman on Oxygen? She has a sex show where she gives callers advice and demonstrates sex toys (well, not really, but she shows them and explains how to use them). She also has these little wooden figures she bends into sexual positions to help her viewers understand the best way to do something. She is, like, 150 years old. I know I should be liberal about it but it's strange to think of her playing with, say, Dinky Digger.

[madetoshine.livejournal.com]

Hahhaah oh man that "OH SHIT!" story had me laughing so hard! You're the best!

[cramped.livejournal.com]

This doesn't really have to do with anything but your initial question of whether video clerks give a shit about what you're renting ... not at all related to where you were going with that question, but I worked in a video store for five stinking years and I never even noticed what people were renting. I just didn't care at all. Nor did I care to make recommendations. My standard answer when asked about a movie was, "I really liked it." At some point I just had to pretend it was all good because I was sick of movies and didn't watch them at all after about two years and besides, there's no accounting for people's taste so what difference did it make what I said? Case in point: we had a kid called Stinky Jeremy who worked there for a while and he was all the time telling customers how incredible "Bebe's Kids" was. Now, I've never seen "Bebe's Kids," but I'm pretty sure he was dead wrong in his assessment.

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

I think I worked with Stinky Jeremy at BK! That's great about "Bebe's Kids," though. If I worked in a video store, I might even use that. Someone would come up and ask my opinion. "What are some good movies that are similar to House of Sand and Fog? "Oh, if you loved that movie, you must check out Bebe's Kids!"

Seriously, though, I do bet it would get old to be asked your opinion of movies all the time. Except for the hardcore movie-nerd clerks you see sometimes--those guys who are oh so happy to run off at the mouth to anyone who'll listen.

[cramped.livejournal.com]

Stinky Jeremy was dead serious about Bebe's Kids, bless his heart. He had it in the top spot on his favorites shelf and everything. I miss that kid! He used to bring us videos of himself all done up in his medieval gear sword fighting and stuff. He was even more lovable than Fat Mike, who eventually got fired because he kept leaving the safe open and the front door unlocked when he closed the store. He was a big Three Stooges fan.

Good times! But yah, it did get tiresome recommending movies especially if you're like me and can't sit through a movie to save your life. It generally takes me two or three tries to get through something I like even.

[saying-things.livejournal.com]

Sometimes (well, many times) when I read your posts, I actually laugh out loud, and it's a sharp bark of a laugh, and it kind of hurts my ears. I don't know why I needed to tell you that, but yes. You are teh funneh.

[wickedflea.livejournal.com]

Awww shucks, thank ya, ma'am! Sorry about the hearing damage, though. :\

[saying-things.livejournal.com]

That's okay. I wish you posted on the weekends but apparently you must have some sort of life. Lo, but I miss thee.